Lighting?
princess asked:
Bolts of lights scatter across the sky. Rain falling into the night like tears rolling from my eyes. Lighting flashing into the night sky, as the rain slips down the windows my eyes water again. Thunder rolling in the sky as my shadow of light, bolts and scatters across the sky. I can’t see the reason to why my tears keep rolling from my eyes. Like bolts of lightning they disappear into the night. Distance never separates the lighting inside; tears will always roll from my eyes. It’s the feeling of letting the lights connect and echo into the sky. Rain slips down my window and falls into a puddle, from the inside it’s all fine. Tears roll down my eyes to reflect the memories locked inside. For some the world may never know, the others hear the rolling thunder. The message must be sent, for every tear I have cried the words echo inside. I reflect on the reason for my tears rolling inside. As the tears I cry let someone know I’m not alone tonight. You may be miles away but distance never separates the lighting inside. Tears will always fall from my eyes, as many bolts of lightning light up the night sky.
Bolts of lights scatter across the sky. Rain falling into the night like tears rolling from my eyes. Lighting flashing into the night sky, as the rain slips down the windows my eyes water again. Thunder rolling in the sky as my shadow of light, bolts and scatters across the sky. I can’t see the reason to why my tears keep rolling from my eyes. Like bolts of lightning they disappear into the night. Distance never separates the lighting inside; tears will always roll from my eyes. It’s the feeling of letting the lights connect and echo into the sky. Rain slips down my window and falls into a puddle, from the inside it’s all fine. Tears roll down my eyes to reflect the memories locked inside. For some the world may never know, the others hear the rolling thunder. The message must be sent, for every tear I have cried the words echo inside. I reflect on the reason for my tears rolling inside. As the tears I cry let someone know I’m not alone tonight. You may be miles away but distance never separates the lighting inside. Tears will always fall from my eyes, as many bolts of lightning light up the night sky.
Good exercise, now pull the poem out of it. simplify, simplify, simplify. You need to eliminate the redundant language, add some metaphor and simile. the poem can be about you crying without blathering on about “tears” over and over again. for example, “storm clouds, like my eyes, rain relentlessly” or something (although adverbs generally weaken the language). also, half the time you said “lighting” when I thought you meant “lightning”. was this intentional? [who] LEMME ANSWER THAT!